Spending the past 7 months in a residential treatment center has been ugly, brutal, and downright terrifying. It has caused me to take a good hard look at the world around me; one in which I was a deadfast believer that my self worth was equivalent to a reflection in the mirror, miles run in a day, and existing in the least consumptive way possible. It was a world that was ruled by desirability from men and compulsive fixes of instant gratification that ultimately lead to a loss of my own values.
However, these past 7
months have also been uplifting, honest, and empowering. I have come to realize that I get to choose the life I participate in; and that life is not one big trophy that says "Congratulations, you're living!" rather, it is one that's comprised of all the little moments. The little moments where all the birds chirp, the sun shines, and the earth rotates reveal the phenomenon of simply existing. This means sitting through, rather than running from, moments of discomfort, unrest, and questioning my identity. This means connecting with the world around me and relying on the intuition of my mind, body, and soul-- no part greater than the sum of their whole. This means no longer paring down, chopping up, or loathing parts of my body to pay for my own existence. I am choosing, instead, to participate in a life of grace in an ultimately broken world. This grace allows for mistakes and disconnection, but pushes for resiliency and determination when the going gets tough so I can live on to experience joy, connection, and satiation. It is no longer a frantic scramble to fix all the world's problems but is instead a realization that if I brighten the little corner in which I reside, it will reverberate compassion and knowledge.
In choosing to participate in this particular life, I have also chosen to relinquish my father's last name. Knowing that he is a man who has done more harm than good makes it hard for me to live on with his imprint. Instead, I have chosen to take the last name of my Aunt and Uncle who took over raising me when I was otherwise helpless. This name enables me to live on with a legacy of new beginnings, and fosters unconditional love and acceptance. I look forward to whatever it may bring, as a Van Alstyne.
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