After one week at the Boys and Girls Club of Carson, I am jobless.
It was my first day, and I took a look at the middle-schoolers surrounding me. I was the only white person in the whole building.
I concocted a fun dance class, which ended up being two hours of "quiet down!," listen up!," followed up by, "you gonna let some white bitch tell you what to do?"
I was devastated. This Boys and Girls Club was nothing like the one in Salt Lake. Even worse? The three men I worked with encouraged the disrespect, and 'connected' with the kids by being one of them. With no boundaries, they encouraged shit-talking, objectifying me any time I walked by, and ripping up of the hand-outs I desperately printed off in hopes of connecting with them.
The "Fake-book" profiles I printed off for them to fill out was an attempt to get to know them.
I got about 10 out of 50 of them turned into me, with their responses and "interests" listed as: "you," "your pussy," and "your mamma."
I could feel the objectification. I could taste the misogyny. I was sick.
So what did I do?
I ate my feelings.
12:00 midnight, 1:00 a.m., 4:00 a.m., even after following a scheduled meal plan, I ate and ate and ate.
And followed up with my perpetual gym use and endless running. Because it is my comfort zone. And I know I'm good at my eating disorder.
But the feelings of loneliness and isolation and misunderstanding only increased. This is because not only was I abandoning my goals, my ED community, my therapist, my dietician, but I was abandoning myself.
That stops here. I sent a letter to Human Resources detailing the insubordination. I stood up. I spoke out. And here I am, waiting for a response yet again. Here I am, with my demons by my side. Here I am, greeting them with nothing but love and compassion. The hardest part of change is waiting. Waiting for what your searching for to come to you. Waiting for your 'WHY?' to emerge.
You Have to Stop Searching for 'WHY?' Sometimes ... And Leave it Alone.
"Sneaking a counterfeit soul-life never works. It always blows out the sidewall when you're least expecting it. Then it's misery all around. It's better to get up, stand up, no matter how homemade your platform, and live the most you can, the best you can, and forgo the sneaking of counterfeits. Hold out for what has real meaning and health for you."
Comments