My Life Vest

November 2017

Control. It is the addiction that drives us all; in order to feel like a contributing member of society, to feel somewhat sane, to feel like a functioning human, we need control to make sense of our purpose on this flying rock through space. We need control to find comfort. And one day, it hits. One day, we realize we actually have no control over any of it. That’s right. We control none of it. And that is downright terrifying. So, instinctively, we go into fight or flight mode- we hold on to something, anything, in our near vicinity that gives us the feeling of control. The facade that something is okay. We grab ahold of a life vest that gives us comfort, and makes it feel less like we are drowning. And we become addicted to that life vest, because it gives us what we think is oxygen, what we think we need to exist. We hold on for dear life. But what if that very life vest is exactly what is making us drown? 

This is my life vest.

About a year ago, I started experiencing some intermittent existential crises and anxiety that ensued from adulting and daddy issues. I dealt with it in the best way I knew how; dancing and working out. Because the runner’s high and euphoric seritonin release was the healer of any daddy issue, internship, job application or essay. But wait, those instant fixes only lasted.. An instant. How to face reality once the high faded? Where’s my comfort and reassurance? Well, I tried addressing the situation logically by pouring myself into my education. But wait... there’s discomfort in that as well… Political Science has taught me that simply by existing and consuming, we are contributing to disastrous issues such as global climate change and capitalism. What to do now? Well, thank god I found an easy solution to that: exist and consume as little as possible. I was worthwhile as long as I didn’t take up space and I didn’t consume… Right? And when I finally relinquished enough control to eat, I simply dealt with that all-too-familiar anxiety with running a few extra miles. A few extra hours. A few extra workout classes. And when I no longer had 6+ hours to pour into working out, I simply cut out the monstrous creator of such anxiety; consuming. But wait… what to do if not consuming leads to crashing on your bike, failing exams in school, social reclusivity, and disinterest in life all together? What if not eating leads to not functioning? And what if not functioning turns to… not existing?

I was betrayed. The very life vest that once kept me afloat was now sinking me. My best friend, my confidant, knower of all secrets, keeping the darkest side of me at bay, was now my biggest betrayer. And suddenly, existing in my own skin became my biggest nightmare.

Last week I was admitted to a treatment facility for eating disorders. WHAAT?! ME?! Eating disorder?! HAH! I was the one helping those with disorders- I worked in the ER, at the battered women and children’s center, and was always focusing the magnifying glass outwards on other people- I was never the one seeking “treatment.” Until I was. I was the “patient.” I was the one who needed help. Until Dr. Roberts uttered the words “enemic…”, “malnourished…” and “eventual death.” 

And that’s when I chose to relinquish control. That’s when I refused to see myself as a patient of a disease that is not malignant, that is not a death sentence, that is not inevitable. That’s when I chose to take off my life vest. I chose to create a new life vest. I don’t know what it is yet, and it sure as hell won’t be easy- because after all, we are creatures of habit. But I will be damned if I die from a disorder of habitual choices comforting my fears, anxieties, and self-hatred. I will be damned if I choose to keep myself from experiencing the greatest joys, beauties, and treasures in life. Because life is something much greater than this- it’s messy, dark, and scary as all hell, but shining a little light in the darkest corners reveals its greatest treasures. It reveals our ability to influence, inspire, and love this world around us- and that’s what I choose to live for. My life vest doesn’t do that for me. So, this is my goodbye. Goodbye, darkness, my old friend. Here’s to an alternate paradigm of self-love, nourishment, and balance. Namaste my loves.