It turns out, picking up your life and moving across the country is fucking hard. Who knew?
My last few weeks in Salt Lake City consisted of living in the squalor of a semi-powered studio apartment cocooned in an igloo of cardboard boxes. Naturally, I contacted about 16 people to set up a "last-chance-to-catch-up" date. How many did I actually meet with? One. And it was my sister. Does that still count?
The first couple nights in California consisted of figuring out why we had no kitchen light, unpacking, arguing over how to drag a mattress up a spiral staircase, and figuring out what furniture to buy. It turns out we needed a lamp.
Accordingly, James spent the day looking in various shops and invited me along when he found a couple to consider. After the gym, I met him in the strip mall where the shops lived, conveniently positioned right next to each other. However, James couldn't remember where he saw the the lamp he liked. So into Marshalls we went, and out we came. Then into Ross. Then into Home Goods. Then to Lamps Plus. And when each lamp was over $350, back to Home Goods we went. But that wasn't where we found the lamp we agreed wanted. After 15 minutes of convincing James that they were at Marshalls, back to Marshalls we went.
Turns out they actually weren't there. They were at Ross.
So, back to Ross we went. But wait, they weren't at Ross either. So back to Home Goods we went. The agonizing cycle turned comical and continued until we went into each store about 6 times and knew the security guard at the front of Ross by name. Concerned stares came from customers and employees alike who were unfortunate witnesses of our hide and seek game with this god-forsaken lamp.
Alas! It was hidden, tucked away behind hideous bird-cage-esue lamps in the right-hand corner of Home Goods (of courrrseee! Knew it all along.) That was the only piece of furniture we were getting after our 4 hour journey, and we simply had to accept it.
"HERE IT IS!!!", I said. We both sighed in relief. We soaked in a moment of awe and took a second to make sure it was the one we wanted. I admired the delicate glass top and sturdy yet elegant pole.
It worked.
Delighted by our new toy, I picked it up, whizzed around, and brilliantly clutched it to my side in the most convenient way: horizontally, of course.
Nope.
The glass top shattered on the linoleum.
I burst into laughter.
James was devastated. "Can someone just come charge me for this bullshit?," he said.
"CLEAN-UP ON AISLE EMILY!," I followed.
The manager promptly came over, and called over the poor worker who just finished moving a couch into a guy's truck. "Clean this up," she barked at him.
I apologized relentlessly, not so much to the manager but to the unfortunate soul who was yet to find the shrapnels of lamp that made their way to the 'fall decor' aisle next to us.
Mrs. Home Goods found it in her heart not to charge us. What a relief.
But wait! I have my priorities straight - and I wasn't NOT about to walk out of a discount store without even glancing at the SHOES!
At this point James was rolling his eyes, begging to get the hell out of Home Goods, never to return.
Coincidentally, I then fell into a 15 minute conversation with another woman who heard the shatter from across the store. It was the epitome of a "lovely Home Goods moment," she said.
If that's the case, they should put me in their commercial.
P.S. The day finished up at yoga, where I put my bag in the MEN'S LOCKER ROOM. Whence the blunder was realized, I was inclined to ask the security guard to go in and get it for me. He responded, "Is you a transgender?"
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